or: In Defense of Silver Foxes
Warning: Satire!
The last Scrawl issue published a morally horrific piece titled “In Defense of my Bird,” defending high school age gap relationships. This is obviously absurd and horrendous, and propriety demands me to refute that article’s moral deviancy. Society and good sense teaches us that teenage girls should not date senior boys, rather they should date senior citizens.
Sticky and repulsive teenage boys don’t cut it anymore. Their juvenile displays of status and immature approach to relationships has forced me to turn my cheek too many times. When I turn my head, I find my eyes drifting away from my teenagers towards a new demographic, the boomers. After my first experience with a GILF (Grandpa I’d Like to Flirt with), I found a new passion and perks I never knew existed (the senior discount is higher than the student one).
My father’s friend My partner has unmatched hygiene. I never have to remind him to clean his dorm or brush his teeth [Editor’s Note: Shoot boys, she caught us]. And musk. Okay, not the guy, he looks alien. The musk of an older man is unmatched. For the ladies who haven’t experienced its wonders, the aroma consists of a deluxe cologne, Cuban cigars, an aged whisky, and experience. Plus, my partner’s greys match his baby blues so well!
My current affair afforded me a private vacation to The Villages for Valentine’s. Since his license is revoked because of sensory decline, I can joyride in the lambo with Pietro the pool-boy. We go to the country-club and put everything on his tab. Since elderly folk are such considerate, kind souls, he just wants me to be happy. If I stuck to seeing putrid frat boys, my ex would’ve bought me a coffee at the school cafe and a half-eaten chocolate from the school store. When my partner passes, his pension will pay for spring breaks with the girls.
Of course there is a special familiarity. While you can marry your high school sweetheart or the boy next door, neither will ever know you that well. These childish love affairs will never obtain that protective instinct. If you pursue a friend of your grandparents, they have that protective instinct for your well-being. I skipped all the annoying first date questions like “where did you grow up” or “where did you go to school”.
If the difference of just a few decades concerns yourself, remember that any relationship has a learning curve. It will be a wonderful learning experience for the two of you. Your partner can learn modern jargon, trends, politics and ideas. You can learn his beliefs and traditions influenced by his upbringing.
If you still reject his advances, remember all the aforementioned practical benefits of dating an older man. Plus, dinner with your grandparents would be very awkward if you reject their friend. Give the silver fox a chance! You can always grow to love your partner, even if you two can’t grow old together.
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