Ahh, yes, a fateful journey to the depths and annals of Winter Term 2026. A Sunday in November, the idea came to me while writing a history paper. Unfortunately, the editing of my paper was cut short so I could write down dialogue and ideas on the white board behind me.
The catalyst of the interview was the crescendo and eventual release of the redacted files. All news outlets and media covered Epstein before late 2025, but the tensions surged after the Epstein Transparency Act was released.
I still clearly recall that evening of December 19th, 2025. I cleared out a block of time between 8:30-11:00 PM to read through the files aimlessly. I didn’t encounter anything outright perverse or appalling. Nevertheless, names I did and did not expect appeared.
The idea originated as an undiscovered Scroll interview with an unnamed New York Financier. I wrote a half-page outline during Winter Break, but birthday festivities and friends delayed drafting to January.
Much of the media I consumed revolved around Epstein, his accomplices, victims, and his crimes that stain humanity. For the span of a month and a half, while drafting and writing, I obsessively consumed Epstein-related news, content and conspiracies. I have never considered myself a conspiracy theorist and rolled my eyes at the outlandish news headlines and video essays. The Onion’s “Time-travelling Pedophiles” and “Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile” became satirical relics.
Most were right. Quite a few of what I initially deemed “conspiracy theorists” were correct.
Nightmares plagued me between the time between January and February. Such immersion in these atrocities led to occasional tears and restless nights. I finally stopped after the first completed draft in mid-January.
(Months after the initial rabbit hole and the release of more documents, I have heard another claim being made. The most outlandish files were falsified to distract from those truly accountable. The veracity of the files cannot be verified. I do not know what is true, what is false, what is contorted to fit an agenda. The files themselves developed into another scandal. Their haphazard and inaccurate redactions, “filler” documents, and staggered release allowed for more conspiracy.)
I remember the January mornings I began writing. The idea of “redactions” came from the source material.
The proximity between male prep school finuhnce culture and the big JE scandal made me squirm in my skin. There were undeniable similarities. This interview was the manifestation of months of immediate and suppressed repulsion.
Again, I wrote for a week. I went through three drafts to reach a particular characterization and color. When layout time came, I edited for clarity, however I believe that the first final draft retained the most poignancy. While editing the final second version, I abstained from all Epstein related content.. aside from one final two-hour interview. Lucky me, I got to see a real interview full of sycophancy before I finished editing.
The second final version was pasted and formatted. It was all set to go.
Censorship began to bite. The Communications office said the interview could not go to print because it was in “bad taste”. I did not push for a further explanation.
That final February weekend a part of myself that I hoped waned. I could not push for the printing of the interview.
For better or for worse, the issue was released with the image of an elephant and the phrase “there was no war in Ba Sing Se” printed in its place.
I felt as if I let down the responsibility I had to satire, its integrity, and its raison d’etre. I felt I had let myself down. I felt as if I had put myself through suffering to no avail. Hours gone and a much anticipated piece withered away in my Drive. I felt I had let down all who read the drafts and anticipated its release as much as myself. Somehow a rumor even began! That the interview was real!
For months, this piece was the only thing I looked forward to. The print and reaction would be grand, transformative, even. When it got shot down at the last minute, I felt the wound emotionally.
Months after the completion of the final draft, and the scandal itself, I feel released. I understand the dangers of obsession (and I didn’t listen to Shelley and Nabokov) and the content I was working with. I appreciate the dedication, but there is a time to stop. The thrill of its release and anticipation surrounding the piece consumed me. At least I’ll never let it get that engrossing again.
forgotmynotebook 