Warning: Satire (also rambles), goofy read nevertheless
After 18 years of Lacrosse for a Cure™, the girls’ varsity lacrosse team finally discovered the cure for cancer.
The mother (and Bored of Trustees member) recollected her daughter’s achievement, “I thought she was going to miss the shot.” Clutching her pearls, she continued, “At the last second, the ball hit the goalpost and shot into the stands. It [the ball hitting a terminally ill child] was magnificent.”
The ball and child hit the ground at the same moment. The coaches rushed to retrieve the ball and the child sprang back, reincarnated. For the rest of the game, the reborn child cheered for Big Green. The game ended in a 6-7 victory for Deerfield.
When the game finished, a Chemistry 1A student examined the miracle boy. Lommi Ti, the chemistry scholar, remarked, “I obviously didn’t have time to go to the game because I was doing a three-hour problem set. The score-keeper [another classmate] called me up and said, ‘They just found the cure to cancer at the game!’ I picked my jaw off the floor and ran for the first time in my life.”
At the girls’ varsity lacrosse game, Lommi saw his life’s work fulfilled at another Wednesday game. He initially theorized that the perfect amount of pressure the ball exerted stopped uncontrollable cell division.
Lommi recounted his examination, “I tried to ignore the boys’ game and examined the kid’s head. It was a miracle! He didn’t have a concussion, cut or bruise.”
Scrawl investigators questioned Lommi on specific scientific details from this medical miracle. Lommi refused to comment further but whispered, “If anything happens to my drive or back-up drive, know that they found it…” Lommi gazed into the distance, and softly spoke, “That they found me…”
Lommi and the golden ball were last seen in the basement of the Koch two weeks ago.
The lacrosse player who hit the boy commented on the whole situation in retrospect, “Yeah, I’m happy for the sick boy, at least he got better. Maybe he got better because of the ritual I performed on the ball…”
Investigators asked what the ritual was. She responded, “The weekend before, at Lax for a Cure™, the girls drew star with pink salt and lit strawberry candles. We chanted something like ‘saecula saeculorum, be my friend’ until a fog entered the room and something entered the ball.”
A local exorcist clarified the event “was definitely not sanctioned by the Church.” He continued, “While balls like this are popular in New Jersey and Delaware, essentially wherever the occult and lacrosse intersect, it is uncommon in Massachusetts. The red devil definitely stole at least one girl’s soul for a cure.”
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